I asked Husband to take me to my gynae when I can no longer stand the pain. I've had the pain (something like labor pain or period pain) since last weekend but at first I thought it was just my imagination. My gynae had ealier warned me that i might feel that kind of pain, and if I was, I was to see him immediately).

But after 3 days.. it was more that I can handled. Plus the pain was getting worse. And I was (still) bleeding too. I've been bleeding for more than 2 months I think. I've visited my gynae at least 3 times. I've had my IUCD removed and had a new one inserted. I've done pap smear too. I took antibiotics for the infection they found thru the pap smear (that's a different story altogether) and I took hormones pills to supposedly stop the bleeding. I am tired and more importantly I'm scared.

First thing my gynae did was to scan my tummy. And no surprise, my IUCD had this time disappeared. It could have been lower, said my gynae. I KNEW for a fact that it WAS there, lower like he said because I could actually feel it there. He adviced me to take the IUCD out (even if he didnt advice me to do that, i would have asked him to take it out anyway).

And oh boy, was it painful this time!! If my legs were not strapped in, I swear I would have kicked the poor doctor and the nurses. I was shaking up to the point that i knewwww i was going to pass out the next second.

After what feels like an eternity, my gynae finally stops whatever he was doing. He pushed the trolley beside me and said..

"I think you WERE pregnant"

I was like... whatttt??? howww??? when???

WERE pregnant.

He explained that it could have been a 'tak menjadik'-pregnancy, and my system was trying to flush it out. That would best explain why i was bleeding for so long.

I laid there, not able to think. or feel.

Just before i went to the hospital, i took a shower at home and 2 clots came out. For a split second, i swear i thought, could this be a miscarriage? And if it is.. should i just flush it down?

And last month, i had the same thought too. That I was pregnant. Because my tummy was bulging. Not that it was ever flat, but never that.. bulging. It felt like pregnancy. But my pregnancy test showed negative. And i had never missed my period.

Was i just pregnant for one day... and then tak menjadik? It's that what 'tak menjadik' means?

Gynae found a smaller clot while he was 'checking' my inside. Said he's going to send it to the lab, just to be sure. He said i dont need a D & C, since the womb is already clean. That was why it was so painful.

I keep thinking it was my fault. For whatever reason. I dont need a reason. Husband doesnt think that it's anyone's fault and my brain agrees.. But when I'm alone... I keep on thinking of what it could have been. I cant not blame myself. My heart needs to grief. Even if it's just for what could have been.

I've never been this scared before.
Not knowing is scary.
And I'm about to find out tomorrow.
I hope I'm just imagining things.
Feeling things that might not be there.
I hope I'm just being stupid worrying about it too much.

I've never been this scared before.