A lot has happened since i last blogged. Some happy and proud moments, and some very, very sad ones.

1. :) We bought our very own house! - We've been planning, and dreaming about buying a house we can call our own. And we have found the perfect one. But, we keep on delaying buying it for no reason really. And finally we decided, although the design and the price is pretty perfect for us, the location is just not practical. Hubby's office is moving... and me? Well.. I was on a contract.. and can't be too sure if the company would require my service after these past 3 years. So, after looking at Hubby's new office's area.. we thought it's only right to buy a house there, so at least one of us doesn't have to travel so far to work. Looked around we did.. and found a house. It's a completed property and has not been bought yet. To cut the long, boring story short, our loan was approved and we are now just waiting for the keys to find its way to our hands! And if everything goes as smoothly as we hope it would be, we will be moving to our new house in January, latest by February. Hopefully. Or at least anytime before I’m due, which is end of March.

2. :) Pregnancy is going well, although I personally feel that it's totally different than Afiq's time. Last 2 weeks i went for the monthly checkup, and the gynae told me, he's pretty sure that it's going to be a girl this time. Alhamdulillah..:). We'll have to confirm it in the next checkup of course.

3. :(( Afiq was admitted in SJMC on November 4th due to terrible wheezing. We stayed there for 3 nights. 3 saddest nights of my life. Afiq had to use the nebulizer 2-hourly at his worst time. Both Hubby and I don't have a history of asthma, so this is totally new to us. We were discharged on Tuesday.. and the paed advised us not to send Afiq to the nursery for that week at least. So, we went back to my home town on the same day.. and left Afiq with my parents. The feeling is totally indescribable! We left him after he was asleep.. and I cried, and cried and cried all 2 hours in the car back to KL. I kept looking at the backseat of the car, as I always do when we're travelling, to check Afiq out. And to see it empty is just too sad. When we got home (it was midnight then).. i swear i could hear Afiq calling "mamaaaaa"... I called home like 13 times the next day!. Afiq had a good time at home. All attention went to him, and he had all the space he needs. lari sana sini... kejar ayam.. main bola in the evening. The 2nd night was easier.. but Hubby and I woke up at 4, feeling that we had slept for too long! We ended eating cucur udang. Yes.. at 4.30 a.m. We rushed back home on Saturday. Oh, and I cant get enuff of kissing and hugging Afiq.

4. :) We had a follow up appointment with Afiq's paed a week after that. He's alright now. But... no cold drinks (not that I've ever gave him that). Nothing from the fridge. No acidic fruits. Warm water for bathing. AND he has to use inhaler. Inflammide on normal days.. top with Ventolin on not-so-well days. For the next 6 months or so, we'll have to adhere to these rules... and hopefully he'll be perfectly allright after that. InsyaAllah. We'll pray hard.

5. :). The company won the system my team is maintaning. In other words, I am still needed for at least 2 years here. Words I hear is that, they are making us, the contract staff, permanent. I hope that means a raise. But it also means.. I have to commute from Kajang to Subang everyday. It aint gonna be easy I'm sure. But I'll try. (That's how much I love this job, really). But if it's too hard, rezeki ada di mana2 kan? I'm not too worried. So yeah, good news for my career..:). I heard about a promotion.. but then, it's too early to tell (and believe). And I actually like having my boss around.. so... I'm happy this way.

6. :) We're going for curtains-shopping this weekend. I'm honestly nervous! i'd rather choose the design of wrought-iron grill rather than curtains! I know nothing about textile. I just learnt what roman blind is today, in fact! Day curtains? Night curtains? Aiyo.. Hmmm.. let's just hope it's not going to be a disaster. If it takes me like a year to invite u friends for a house warming, be pretty sure that it's my curtains I'm embarrassed of! Nothing personal ok? hihi.

Wish me luck on curtains-hunting!
Didn't feel like it has been 5 months since i last updated. I've not been busy.. just plain lazy. Maybe i'm not meant to have a blog after all. Hehe.

Annnnyyywaaayyy... Nothing much has changed really. Except Afiq is growing up much faster than i really want him to. He has lots of tricks up his sleeves now. We're having a blast raising him up, really. Ada la 'tension' nya jugak sometimes, of course. Like everytime after mandi... he will scream and scream until i think the whole block can hear him. There's no solution to this really, i tried letting him play in the bathroom for 30 minutes, thinking it would be long enuff, but still, he'll scream once we take him out. Kalau mandi 5 minutes aje, lagi lah jerit! *sigh*. He's just so obsessed with water!

But nothing beats the sayu i feel every single time he calls out "Maaaaaa".. And sometimes when i'm cooking in the kitchen.. he'll just stand at the gate at the door (we had to put it to block him from entering the kitchen and playing with the lesung batu! he loves that), and call out"maaa" repeatedly.. just to hear me answer him. I feel so special. I do!

He turned 16 month-old 5 days ago. How time flies.

And... in another 7 months, InsyaAllah.. Afiq will have an adik.

I'm about 8 weeks pregnant now. Alhamdulillah. If my calculations are right, Afiq's adik will
arrive in March. If i'm lucky, i might just give birth on Hubby's birthday! Hehe.

This pregnant is different, or so I feel. The nausea is worse than I remember. And my face? ya Allah.. menggerutu habis! I dont remember having any skin problem while carrying Afiq. And dulu,loya, loya jugak.. Makan macam biasa aje. This time.. loya jugak... and tak lalu nak makan. So far I've lost about 2kgs. (Best la jugak sebenarnya Muahaha.. selalu payah gila nak lose weight). Hehe

We're preparing ourselves (mentally mostly so far) and Afiq for the new baby's arrival. I'm sure hoping that it's going to be a girl this time. But I wont mind a 2nd Afiq either! So, I'm praying for a baby as healthy, and as sempurna, and as charming as my first born. Aminnn..

This is a lyrics of a song by Roslan Madun. Not many people I'm sure have heard of this wonderful man, or his songs. I find his songs sooooo beautiful. And the lyrics? downright menusuk kalbu. Like this 'lagu rindu'... it's called Lemak Manis. Try find his album if you can. You won't regret it.

Lemak Manis by Roslan Madun

Sopan santun anak melayu... senyum terukir,
Senyum terukir bila di sapa...
Dalam pantun ku kirim rindu,
Rindu mengalir, rindu mengalir di dalam kata...

Lemak manis alah amboi amboi Santan kelapa alah amboi amboi
Ku pandanglah manis alah amboi amboi Anak siapa
Lemak manis alah amboi amboi Santan kelapa alah amboi amboi
Kupandanglah manis alah amboi amboi Anak siapa

Pohon sena pohon meranti
Di tengah-tengah, di tengah-tengah buluh perindu
Adik di sana abang di sini
Di tengah-tengah, di tengah-tengah rindu menderu

Lemak manis alah amboi amboi Santan kelapa alah amboi amboi
Kupandanglah manis alah amboi amboi Anak siapa
Lemak manis alah amboi amboi Santan kelapa alah amboi amboi
Kupandanglah manis alah amboi amboi anak siapa

Hujan di hulu tak reda reda
Ributlah turun, ributlah turun bertalu talu
Abang di hulu adik di kuala
Ku hanyut rindu ku hanyut rindu dalam perahu

Lemak manis alah amboi amboi Santan kelapa alah amboi amboi
Kupandanglah manis alah amboi amboi Anak siapa
Lemak manis alah amboi amboi Santan kelapa alah amboi amboi
Kupandanglah manis alah amboi amboi anak siapa
I asked Husband to take me to my gynae when I can no longer stand the pain. I've had the pain (something like labor pain or period pain) since last weekend but at first I thought it was just my imagination. My gynae had ealier warned me that i might feel that kind of pain, and if I was, I was to see him immediately).

But after 3 days.. it was more that I can handled. Plus the pain was getting worse. And I was (still) bleeding too. I've been bleeding for more than 2 months I think. I've visited my gynae at least 3 times. I've had my IUCD removed and had a new one inserted. I've done pap smear too. I took antibiotics for the infection they found thru the pap smear (that's a different story altogether) and I took hormones pills to supposedly stop the bleeding. I am tired and more importantly I'm scared.

First thing my gynae did was to scan my tummy. And no surprise, my IUCD had this time disappeared. It could have been lower, said my gynae. I KNEW for a fact that it WAS there, lower like he said because I could actually feel it there. He adviced me to take the IUCD out (even if he didnt advice me to do that, i would have asked him to take it out anyway).

And oh boy, was it painful this time!! If my legs were not strapped in, I swear I would have kicked the poor doctor and the nurses. I was shaking up to the point that i knewwww i was going to pass out the next second.

After what feels like an eternity, my gynae finally stops whatever he was doing. He pushed the trolley beside me and said..

"I think you WERE pregnant"

I was like... whatttt??? howww??? when???

WERE pregnant.

He explained that it could have been a 'tak menjadik'-pregnancy, and my system was trying to flush it out. That would best explain why i was bleeding for so long.

I laid there, not able to think. or feel.

Just before i went to the hospital, i took a shower at home and 2 clots came out. For a split second, i swear i thought, could this be a miscarriage? And if it is.. should i just flush it down?

And last month, i had the same thought too. That I was pregnant. Because my tummy was bulging. Not that it was ever flat, but never that.. bulging. It felt like pregnancy. But my pregnancy test showed negative. And i had never missed my period.

Was i just pregnant for one day... and then tak menjadik? It's that what 'tak menjadik' means?

Gynae found a smaller clot while he was 'checking' my inside. Said he's going to send it to the lab, just to be sure. He said i dont need a D & C, since the womb is already clean. That was why it was so painful.

I keep thinking it was my fault. For whatever reason. I dont need a reason. Husband doesnt think that it's anyone's fault and my brain agrees.. But when I'm alone... I keep on thinking of what it could have been. I cant not blame myself. My heart needs to grief. Even if it's just for what could have been.

I've never been this scared before.
Not knowing is scary.
And I'm about to find out tomorrow.
I hope I'm just imagining things.
Feeling things that might not be there.
I hope I'm just being stupid worrying about it too much.

I've never been this scared before.