It's 9 minutes past midnight, and I just came back from the handing over of maais. I should be tired and sleepy after spending 14 hours in the office packing, but strangely I'm not. All I could think of is writing this down. I need to remember what happened today (technically yesterday, since it's past midnight), and I want to remember how I feel.

We got the 90% confirmation that it was not going to be us the day before. It was no surprise. In fact, we would be surprised if it was. And I remember thinking, I was sad. But I didn't feel it.

So, 10 am this morning off I went to Subang. To pack my stuff. It's amazing how much (garbage) you can accumulate in 5 years, really. Still, in my head, I can 'feel' that I was sad, but my heart is not feeling it. So I thought, good. I'm going to be alright with all this.

8 pm I left Subang for KLIA. I am responsible for the handing over of the workstations there. Started going around at 9. Finished at 10.30pm. All went smoothly, just as expected.

Then, I drove home. As I reached Putrajaya, all of a sudden, tears started rolling down. And I just could not stop crying. I could not stop thinking of how crazy it was. Do people cry over a system like I was? Was I not the most crazy, emotional, probably weird engineer ever? I was crying over the lost of a system maintenance? How crazy is that?

And then it hit me. I did not just cry because the company had just lost the tender. I was crying because apparently, maais means a lot more to me than I ever realized.

I felt lost.

5 years ago, I was a desperate IT executive looking for a new job. I hated my job then although I really liked the company. I hated my superior. Try not hating a guy who had loudly announce to the Finance Manager right in front of everybody, that No, the girls (there were 2 of us) do not need a raise, because one is staying with her parents thus does not have a lot to pay for, (-that's my friend) and another one does not need a raise because well, she walks (damn four kilometres) to work so she doesn't need those extra money to pay for a car! (-that's yours truly).

Aaaanyway.. I got this new job after 2 gruelling interviews and miracles after miracles happened. I cannot tell you how proud I am to finally becoming an engineer. It's all I've ever wanted to be.

So, after being told before I left the company (by the same jerk of course) that I was, among other things "an extra luggage" to the company, you can understand why it was a miracle for me to finally feel that I was useful. That I was needed, and that I am good at what I'm doing. Maais gave me that. It gave me hope. And on top of that, I have a boss who never fails to tell me every single time that I did a good job. No matter how easy the task really is. And he pushes me to do better and better every time.

And now, maais is 'gone'. I am forced to start over. And I am scared.

Right this moment, I don't want to think about what good this change can bring. Right now I just want to mourn upon my loss, so tomorrow I can put a closure to this beautiful journey I've had for the past 5 years. And so with that, I can hopefully start an even better journey. Amin.

3 Responses

  1. Well, it's okay to cry. It's okay to feel lost and it's also okay to be missing.

    In crying, you should also feel glad. In losing you should also feel relieved and in missing, you should allow yourself to discover.

    And I'm sure the system, should it be human, would feel the loss as you did.

    Better skies ahead, better skies ahead.

    My guess is by now you're already doing much much better than that jerk in that previous S company :D