I was at the pasar malam near my house last night, trying to figure out what to buy for dinner. Of late, I just can’t make myself cook anymore. Malas + tak larat.

Saw a stall selling kuih2. Then i spotted some kuih lopes, and i quickly looked away.

Thought nothing  of it until I was in bed.

It got me thinking. Why did I look away? What made it such a ‘tindakan refleks’?

It made me think about grieving. I mean.. what did me looking away from kuih lopes means? Among the last requests Ummi made in HUKM was for kuih lopes and laksa, you see. That was in Ramadhan. And as much as I love kuih lopes, I cannot make myself to even look at it now.

Since Ummi left, I haven’t had a breakdown. Yet. I don’t know if I will ever have one. I don’t know if I need one. I don’t know what it means either. I did cry a few times during the first few days after Ummi left. But not as much as I thought I should. I cried a few times in the car while driving back from work for no reason at all. Tapi entah, rasa macam ada yang tak lepas lagi. Kadang2.

So last night, there I was, in bed… thinking about grieving. Am i done with grieving? Will I ever? Or am I in the middle of it? More importantly, is it possible that I have not even started yet?

Bila Ummi dah takde, thoughts of her are stronger everyday. Banyakkkkkk sgt benda2 yang remind me of Ummi. When I’m on the road, for example, I looked away from signage to ‘Cheras’… because in my mind, Cheras leads to HUKM… and HUKM holds memories of Ummi. I shudder at the thought of going to HUKM ever again. I hope I won’t have to.

I look away from kari daging too. That was the last lauk I cooked for her. Every little thing seems to remind me of her. Kuah singgang, that bottled orange juice from koperasi HUKM, kacang kuda rebus, the list goes on and on.

Kat rumah, ada flask Ummi yang selalunya Ummi bawak ke HUKM when she was warded there. Kat tutup flask tu, ada tulis “Ummi”, in her handwriting. Ummi suka tulis nama kat barang2 dia. And it’s always “Ummi” and not her real name. She’s Ummi. Ada satu tumbler Ummi punya, pun ada tulis nama Ummi kat tutup dia.

Every Wednesday… like today, I’ll remember Ummi more. I was born on a Wednesday. Ummi left on a Wednesday too. Wednesdays will never be the same again.

7 Responses
  1. afidalina Says:

    k ainil dearest,

    semoga ALlah bg kekuatan kat akak ya, berat mata memandang, berat lagi bahu memikul.

    with thoughts, afie oxford

  2. Aisha Says:

    Sayu baca entry ni kak. Take care ye kak. You are definitely entitled to your grief, and you should just take your time to process your feelings. I think you and your siblings are very strong people. I pray for you and your family.

  3. hani Says:

    i still grieve and cry over the lost of my late brother, although he passed away in 2001. i guess when you lost someone in your family, you will never be done grieving for him/her... just remember to sedekah al-Fatihah to her every time you see something that reminds you of her...that's the best way, insyaAllah..take care, dear!

  4. momster Says:

    I have to agree with Dura... when you lose someone you love, there's no way every day would pass without thinking of them.

    Take care you!

  5. maya amir Says:

    time will heal the wound... hang on there dear.. take a very good care of yourself k..

  6. naziah Says:

    time will heal but the memory never goes. I try to keep as much stuff as i could from The Don. I have the last shirt he wore when we brought him to KL and his most precious baju pagoda yg dah berlubang2 but he stil insist on wearing.
    everytime i pass by damansara, i'm reminded of Damansara specialist. everytime i see brg2 letrik urut2, my heart skip a beat. at first you will find it hard to breathe but it will get better, if not soon, later. stay strong, but cry if u must.

  7. shasha Says:

    Once again, this had me tearing up.. again! I can't say I've really experienced this before but sometimes have a nightmare of losing my loved ones - which really is unavoidable anyway. Just a matter of time. Stay strong my dear and definitely don't hold back those tears.. just let your soul deal with it naturally. My thoughts are with you X