First and foremost, thank you to everyone who had asked about my Mom. I’ve been meaning to write. It’s just that, it’s difficult.

Today is Ummi’s 20^th day in HUKM and her 4^th day in the ICU. She had to go for an emergency operation on Thursday night. The operation took about 3 hours. Doctors did not find anything (they thought something might have ‘burst’ inside her tummy, causing her pain), except to establish that her liver is damaged and that ‘water’ which was initially in her lungs, was then everywhere.

It was frustrating. Because I was hoping they would find something. So that we can fix that something. Although in reality, it might not be that simple, but at least we know. Not knowing is much more terrifying.

The doctors told us that the operation was going to be a high risked one. But the risk is higher if the DON”T do it. And they didn’t think Ummi was going to survive without it.

After the op, Ummi was taken to the ICU, and she’s been there since. Her breathing is helped by a machine. She has all sorts of tubes, and wires around her. It’s a sight I have never, ever, thought of seeing. On anyone! Let alone on Ummi.

The doctor, on Friday described her condition as – ‘sgt tenat’. On Saturday, it’s still the same. On Sunday, she was breathing on her own for a few hours, but I guess it was too much for her body to take. She started coughing vigorously. We could not hear the coughing sound from her, but the sound from one of the machines was enough to tell that she was in pain. They had to do the suction a few times. So, she was put back on the breathing machine, and they increase the dose of the sedation.

I don’t know just how many times my heart broke. Sometimes when I think I’m a little stronger, when I let my defense loose a little bit, that’s when I’ll break down. Yesterday it was her coughing. It looks so painful, it makes me cry. Other times it was as simple as nothing. Just seeing her, touching her hair, her face, her feet. The emotional turmoil is at times too much to take. I feel helpless, useless. I wish there’s just something I can do. Anything. Anything at all.

Sometimes, in my weakest moments, I thought to myself, If I squeeze my eyes hard enough, then maybe.. just maybe…I could wake up from this bad, bad dream.

And many times… when the doctors seemed unsure of what Ummi is ill from, I can’t help but to wish that the whole mystery is more like a mathematical equation or something. So that I can work it out day and night, to find the solution. At least then, I can do something.

The doctors advised us to see Ummi before the operation. According to Akak, who was there when the doctors explained about the operation, the doctor kept asking, ‘do you understand what we’re trying to say?’. And we do. We do understand what they were trying to imply. It was not an easy fact to digest, but we cannot afford to be in denial as well.

And so we stayed with her. We waited with her, until the OT is ready, until she was taken to the OT. In the ward, before she was taken to the OT, she said… “ kalau ada pen dengan kertas ni, Ummi ada benda nak pesan” And so, Ummi tinggalkan pesan.

Dear friends & the few readers of this blog, I’d be very, very grateful if you could include my mom in your prayers. It would mean so much to me & my husband, my Ummi, my Abah, my 2 sisters and my 5 brothers. Thank you, from all of us.