Ummi was supposed to start her chemo last Monday, after a week break. However on Monday, the doctors who were checking on her found reasons to do further checks on her liver.

She was released to go home for a few days again, until we can get the appointment to do liver biopsy. She's been staying at Ngah's since last Friday until today.

Akak brought her to HUKM today, to be warded again. Liver biopsy is scheduled for tomorrow.

Akak read the doctor's report and it stated there that the myeloma has progressed to Stage 2.

I seriously, in all honesty.. didn't think it was THIS aggressive.

I am devastated.

The whole day yesterday, all I could think about was 1) baking something. Anything. I just need to bake. 2) Our upcoming trip to Labuan and KK, which I am soooo excited about.

So i surfed, and surfed.. looking for a recipe that looks promising enough. And I found this. After dinner terus buat this muffin sambil sekejap2 lari gi tengok The Amazing Race Asia 3 on TV. This muffin is said to taste exactly like Kenny Roger's Vanilla (Original) Muffin. Thing is, the only muffin I remember (and loved dearly) from Kenny Roger's is their Corn Muffin which is no longer available. What a shame. Sedap giler itu muffin. Annnyyyway, the muffin turned out good albeit too sweet for me. Itu pun dah reduced from the recipe. Next time have to reduce the sugar some more.

Muffin ni tersangatttlah senangnya nak buat. Ingredients are simple, method is even simpler. And to have the whole house smelling of Vanilla, is just divine!

I added chocolate rice, so that it wouldn't be so plain. Plan to send some to Afiq's school.

The in-house muffin critic. Yey! I passed! His eyes sparkled when I told him to bring some for his friends the next day.

Am looking forward to our trip down south tomorrow for a wedding. Just feel like travelling jauh2 sikit with the kids. Come January, we'll be going to the only state in Malaysia that I haven't gone to - Sabah. Got a really good deal from MAS. Can't wait!

For now, all I could think of.. is to get some sleep. A sweet dream would be good to lift my spirit a little. Been feeling down, and unsettled for some reason. I am exhausted and I don't actually know why.

Conversations with Afiq this week:

I normally make/receive calls from home at least 3 times a day. Afiq calls before he goes to school in the morning. I call home in the afternoon to speak Mariessa. And Afiq usually calls again once he's back from school.

On Monday, while I was at the hospital with my mom, (we were informed at noon about my mom having cancer, so i left work early to join my sisters at the hospital) Afiq called.

Him: (dengan suara penuh urgentnya). Mama!! Mama balik la cepat!
Me: (suara agak panik) Kenapa??
Him: (changed tone to memujuk + penuh harapan) Mama balik la buat burger untuk Afiq...

Laaaa.. ingatkan apaaaaa lah tadi

On Tuesday, I took a day off from work as my sisters and I wanted to see the doctors and specialists to discuss about my mom's condition and the treatment plans available. Later that day, all my siblings came down to Ngah's place to discuss the situation. So I was out the whole day and I told my maid that I was going to be late. At around 7pm Afiq called.

Him: (Dengan tegasnya) Mama! Cubaaa mama tengok kat luar tu!
Me: Kenapa? Ada apa kat luar?
Him: Kan dah gelap ni. Kenapa Mama tak balik balik lagi??

Again... ingatkan ada apaaaa la kat luar rumah.

On Wednesday, I was still at the office when he called, probably around 6pm or so.

Him: Mama! Mama cepatlah balik, kan dah nak Maghrib ni! <- Tau pulak tu nak Maghrib. I've always intentionally mentioned the solat (Isya', Maghrib etc) when we were about to solat, but he has never mentioned it til that day. I'm impressed! ;)

Yesterday (Thursday), before I left the office, I gave Afiq a quick call. He picked up the phone, no hello, no nothing, and said:

Him: Mama, kenapa Mama telefon ni?
Me: (At the verge of feeling offended. hehe) Sebaaaaab Mama nak cakap dengan Afiq lah.
Him: Kenapa Mama nak cakap dengan Afiq?

Me: Sebaaaaab Mama suuuukaaaa cakap dengan Afiq.
Him: (pause). Ohhhh.. Afiq saaaayang pada Mama dengan Ayah. (Note the 'pad
a'. He's still saying that)

Needless to say, I melted!

Conversations with Mariessa will usually be like this:

Her: Mama! Mama kat mana <- by default when my kids answer the phone, mesti ingat Mama yang call.

Me: Mama kat ofis.
Her: Ayah mana?
Me: Ayah kat ofis Ayah.

Her: Aba mana (Aba is abang (Afiq). Mariessa's words selalunya yang belakang2 tu semua jadik silent)
Me: Abang pegi sekolah.
Her. K.(ok). Baaaaaa. (that's her bye2)

Moving on to another story, On Monday my Aunt texted me and asked whether I'll be rajin enough to bake 50 pieces of muffin for her. Any kind, she said. My first reaction was, "Alamak!". I've baked muffins many times, yes. But never for orders! Excited la jugak actually. But I was more nervous than excited. But saying No to my aunt, is almost not an option.

So I said Yes. She wanted the muffin today. For her daughter's school jamuan. So last night was my baking night.

Took me 2 hours to finish everything. The last hour was actually just waiting for the muffin to bake in the oven while I watched The Amazing Race Asia. :) . I started late (11pm) because I had a terrible headache the whole day yesterday and needed to sleep. Woke up at 11pm when everybody has gone to bed and started baking.

While I was baking, it occurs to me that it was exactly what I needed. Baking / cooking has always been therapeutic for me. (Most of the time lah, hehe). And doing it while everyone was asleep was even better. It was like a getaway of some sort. Me in my own world.

I don't know if the muffins are up to my aunt's expectation. There are a lot of things i need to improve on. But still, I hope she'll be satisfied. I'm really nervous to find out!

I added some extras in the small box, for my Aunt to bring home.

On another note, my mom might be released to go home today. For a week. When she comes back from this leave, she might probably start the chemo treatment. I am still for some reason unable to talk about this at length. At times, I really do feel OK. But at other times, I just don't know how I feel. Thing is, this is not even about me.

Akak wrote something here.
And Ngah, here.
But really, what we feel is a lot deeper than what we can ever express. The fear, the sadness, the hope. The fear of hoping. The fear of the unknowns AND knowns.

If mom goes back to 443 today, we're going back too. The last time I went back, was to get her to come to Kajang to treat her demam yang tak baik-baik. Little did I know that the 'demam' will take her away from 443 this long and this 'far'. I miss going home.

After almost 3 months in HUKM, the doctors have finally came up with a confirmed result. One we did not see coming. One we hoped would never be THE answer.

It's the feared C. Multiple Myeloma to be exact. Still, we are thankful that it's still at stage 1.

I am still gathering my thoughts and putting myself together. The reality is sinking in very slowly.