I was at the pasar malam near my house last night, trying to figure out what to buy for dinner. Of late, I just can’t make myself cook anymore. Malas + tak larat.

Saw a stall selling kuih2. Then i spotted some kuih lopes, and i quickly looked away.

Thought nothing  of it until I was in bed.

It got me thinking. Why did I look away? What made it such a ‘tindakan refleks’?

It made me think about grieving. I mean.. what did me looking away from kuih lopes means? Among the last requests Ummi made in HUKM was for kuih lopes and laksa, you see. That was in Ramadhan. And as much as I love kuih lopes, I cannot make myself to even look at it now.

Since Ummi left, I haven’t had a breakdown. Yet. I don’t know if I will ever have one. I don’t know if I need one. I don’t know what it means either. I did cry a few times during the first few days after Ummi left. But not as much as I thought I should. I cried a few times in the car while driving back from work for no reason at all. Tapi entah, rasa macam ada yang tak lepas lagi. Kadang2.

So last night, there I was, in bed… thinking about grieving. Am i done with grieving? Will I ever? Or am I in the middle of it? More importantly, is it possible that I have not even started yet?

Bila Ummi dah takde, thoughts of her are stronger everyday. Banyakkkkkk sgt benda2 yang remind me of Ummi. When I’m on the road, for example, I looked away from signage to ‘Cheras’… because in my mind, Cheras leads to HUKM… and HUKM holds memories of Ummi. I shudder at the thought of going to HUKM ever again. I hope I won’t have to.

I look away from kari daging too. That was the last lauk I cooked for her. Every little thing seems to remind me of her. Kuah singgang, that bottled orange juice from koperasi HUKM, kacang kuda rebus, the list goes on and on.

Kat rumah, ada flask Ummi yang selalunya Ummi bawak ke HUKM when she was warded there. Kat tutup flask tu, ada tulis “Ummi”, in her handwriting. Ummi suka tulis nama kat barang2 dia. And it’s always “Ummi” and not her real name. She’s Ummi. Ada satu tumbler Ummi punya, pun ada tulis nama Ummi kat tutup dia.

Every Wednesday… like today, I’ll remember Ummi more. I was born on a Wednesday. Ummi left on a Wednesday too. Wednesdays will never be the same again.

Ummi pergi dengan tenang tanggal 7 Oktober 2009 bersamaan 18 Syawal 1430  @ 1.34 p.m., surrounded by people who loves her and whom she had loved unconditionally.

Semoga rohnya ditempatkan di kalangan orang-orang beriman. Amin.

You live in our hearts, Mi…



What I’ve written about Ummi:








So my wish for Eid was granted. One and a half day before Eid, Ummi was discharged from HUKM. She wasn’t really that well. But ‘well’ is not what ‘well’ used to be for her anyway.

Friday night, Akak took Ummi home to 443 together with Fikri, my 18 year-old youngest brother.

I went back to 443 on Saturday morning. Left Kajang at 6.30 and reached 443 at 10 am. The journey usually takes only 2 hours or so, but the traffic was heavy as everyone was rushing balik kampung. We had to stop once – Afiq’s first experience peeing kat tepi jalan. Itu pun sebab 10 minutes prior to stopping tu, Afiq  was chanting ‘Ayah, tak ta-an… Ayah tak ta-an” non-stop.

As soon as we reached 443, Akak and I get down to business. Menu for raya was Rendang Daging, Sup Tulang and Kuah Kacang along with Ketupat Nona of course. Oh and also Nasi Tomato and Ayam masak Merah which we cooked on Eid morning itself.

When the boys (except Afiq) went for Eid prayers, Akak and I mandikan Ummi. She was not able to walk except for a step or 2, so we had to help her bangun from her bed, then sit her down on the wheelchair, up again from the wheelchair walked a few steps into the bathroom and sit her on a chair and mandikan Ummi while she was sitting down.

Mandikan Ummi is a very humbling experience. It wasn’t my first time, but the feeling is the same every time, intensified on that day, maybe because it was Eid.

We had to choose one of her bigger baju kurungs since her tummy was so bloated. Put some bedak on her face, and lipstick too. Put on her new tudung and by the time the boys came back, she’s all ready on the wheelchair.

In the afternoon, Akak decided that we all should pay a visit to Kokya’s (my cousin) house. She lives only a few minutes drive away but for no reason whatsoever, I’ve never been to her house. Kokya’s mom – Mokde has been living with her for years. Mokde is Ummi’s elder sister. Akak thought it would be good for Ummi to see her sister. So off we went. I’m glad we did that.

So that was generally how our first day of Raya went like.

On Monday the 2nd day of Raya, we (Shahril, myself, Afiq and Mariessa) left 443 for Jelebu.

That night Amel (bro no 5), Dikki (bro no 6) and Alang (bro no 7) left for Manjung.

The next morning, Ummi got really weak. Once she asked Fikri to ambilkan wudhu’ for her. That Maghrib, when Akak was feeding her, she suddenly said ‘lima’. Akak asked ‘lima apa?’ She said, ‘lima waktu’.

The next morning (Wednesday), she was so weak that Akak decided to call an ambulance to take her to the hospital. She was taken to Hospital Temerloh and to cut the long story short, was admitted.

On Thursday, I went back to Kajang via Temerloh.

On Saturday morning, a doctor called Akak and said somebody needs to sign a letter of consent for the hospital to masukkan darah. Abah later signed that letter which also stated that she is in a critical condition and that she might pass on anytime. I didn’t even know such letter existed!

Ngah (after a longgggg story of how she got there) arrived that afternoon in KLIA with Edrick and Kitreena. Akak and Ngah (together with the kids of course) left for Temerloh right after Ngah arrived. Shahril and I (with kids) left Kajang for Temerloh that night.

We decided to come back to Kajang on Sunday.

At times like these, deciding to go back to Kajang, or Temerloh is really tough. I mean, If I could, I would just take the whole month off and stay at 443. But life has to go on, right? Balik Kajang pun susah hati… balik Temerloh pun tak senang hati jugak. So I tell myself to just do what my heart says at that very moment. Ikut je gerak hati. Bila rasa boleh balik Temerloh, balik je. Bila rasa kena balik Kajang semula, balik je la. Thank God Shahril has been very, very supportive. Afiq ngan Mariessa je la melantun tak abis2. Diorg pun heran, sampai Afiq tanya, “Mama kenapa kita balik Kampung Atok (443), lepas tu Kampung Wan (jelebu), lepas tu Kampung Atok, lepas tu rumah Uncle Teh (bro no 4 in Temerloh), lepas tu Kampung Atok?”

Mariessa pulak one morning when we were in Kajang, pagi2 lagi dah mintak nak makan ‘nacik kocong’ (Yes, that’s her staple food – nasik kosong as in sekosong2 nya, no kicap no nothing. Just nasik putih). When I told her nasi tak masak lagi, terus je dia jawab… “Mama, jom la kita balik Kampung Wan. Kampung Wan ada nacik kocong”. It’s true tapinya, sebab kat Jelebu… my MIL mmg sentiasa masak nasik lebih2.. sebab leftover tu nak kasik ayam makan then next day nya. Tu la sentiasa je ada nasi kosong.

Laaaa… I digress.

Since Tuesday, the doctor in Hospital Temerloh has been implying that they might discharge Ummi as there was nothing more they can do. But before they release her, they need to stabilize her first. I don’t know what stabilizing means here. I mean, she’s very weak and I just don’t know what that means.

Mmg seriau and kesian tengok Ummi kat hospital. Her hands are so swollen that they leak. Leak as in, keluar air from her skin. Lebam sebab byk sgt kena cucuk here and there. Sometimes it takes hours for the doctors to cucuk jarum nak masukkan darah or ambik darah. Twice they had to cucuk her kat pangkal peha and that one last time, they even had to stitch the needle to her skin to make sure the needle stays there.

Yesterday (Wednesday), they finally decided that they’re finally really letting her go home.

I asked my brother if the doctor can give some sort of estimation on how much time left for Ummi. Fikri said, when the doctors talked to Ngah, they talked about ‘weeks’.

At this time, I’m taking things as it is. Take one step at a time. I don’t want to analyse, or think too far ahead. I think between me and my family, we’ve accepted the fact that Ummi IS leaving. Weeks can turn into months… as much as weeks can be shortened to days.

So since yesterday, Ummi has been at home. She was so weak that she has to be taken home by an ambulance.

I’m writing this as quickly as I could, sebab kalau tangguh2 lama2 mmg tak kan terpublish lah this entry. As it is pun, I started this entry yesterday (Wednesday) and sambung sikit lagi today. I have never been good in writing about something I possibly be very emotional about, so whatever I write in here is what I’m feeling right now. And  I am trying not to feel so much. It will just make it harder if I let myself ‘feel’ when I’m this far away from her.

I’m going back to her on Saturday.