At about 2.05pm, as NSH told me earlier, a nurse came with a wheel chair to bring me to the labor room. And true enough, once I moved I literally felt blood gushing out, it was scary. There were blood on the floor as I moved from the bed to the wheel chair… and I wondered if I was going to die because of that, Drama Queen that I am. Shahril looked panicked for once too. Since I was told D&C is a very short procedure, I told Shahril to go for his Zuhur prayer and get his lunch while I was in the labor room.

I was wheeled into Labor Room 2. I’ve never been into that room, Mariessa & Adreena were both born in Labor Room 1. A few nurses were already waiting for me and they helped me get onto the ‘bed’ and I remember looking at the clock on the wall.. and it was 2.10pm.

The room was a small one and cold. I’m not sure whether it was the air cond or if it was because I was nervous, but I was shivering.

It felt like forever – the waiting. Lots of things came to mind at that moment eventhough I tried my best not to think of anything. I thought what if I die? I mean, I know now that D&C is very, very common, but things can happen for no reason, kan? I wondered if I had said enough I love you’s to the people I love. Thought about Afiq, Mariessa & Adreena… and I wondered if I was doing the right thing. It was too late to consider running away.. but the thought did come to mind.

I asked the nurse if it was ‘normal’ that I was bleeding so badly (I could feel warmth from the blood going down my legs) but she assured me that it was OK and it was actually better that way. One of the nurses came later to check on me and asked how far along I was. I told her 10 weeks, and she asked ‘anak nombor berapa’. I said 4. And then she said “ohhhhhhh” – (with her tone going down) and said something else to sooth me something along the line of… ‘takpe.. dah ada 3… boleh try lagi lepas ni… etc’.

That’s the kind of reaction I had difficulty reacting to, if I may say so honestly. I mean, I do appreciate the sympathy and the kind words, but I wish I could say the fact that this is my number four, does not make it any easier for me. I’m not being ungrateful, I thank Allah every second for blessing me with my 3 little angels… but a loss is a loss. When people act as if it’s not a big deal just because it’s my no 4, it hurts. It really does. But I did not say anything, I didn’t think she would have understood.

Dr J finally came at 2.35 pm. He came in, took a look at me.. and just before one of the nurses put the oxygen mask over my nose I thought I heard Shahril’s voice. I turned my head towards the door and I saw him standing there. That calmed me somehow, knowing he was there.

The nurse then put the oxygen mask on my nose and told me to ‘tarik nafas macam biasa’. It’s funny, because the moment she said that I totally forgot how to breathe! I had to ‘pause’ and tell myself to breathe in and breathe out, even then I didn’t know if I was doing it right. The mask was kinda big that it covered the corner of my eyes as well, but Dr J came beside me and told me to keep my eyes open. I felt that he injected something via my IV line… I concentrated on the lights above me and I felt he injected the second time.

And then I was gone.