First and foremost, I would like to thank everyone who left comments, emailed, smsed, bbmed and called. I truly appreciate your kind gestures and they have helped me tremendously, knowing I have people who care. Thank you, so much!

Emotionally, I’m feeling better today Alhamdulillah. Haven’t cried this morning, at least. :)

Physically though, I’m feeling a little worse than yesterday. Am bleeding heavily, with clots sometimes (I hope this is not too much of an information to share). Cramps are getting more errr… ‘tighter’ and painful. Feeling a little dizzy too. I contemplated going to KPMC this morning instead of waiting until tomorrow when I woke up, but after much consideration and googling, I decided I’ll wait. First, because I read that natural miscarriage may happen by itself and I probably can avoid going through D&C after all, and secondly my trusted gynae won’t be around today. He’s a Prof and I understand that he’s teaching on Friday. Although I am very sure he’ll come anyway if he needs to. Thirdly, there’s this urgent report I need to submit, hopefully i can get it done (and over with) :).

Before I go on, please be warned that I am planning to pour my heart out. Because I need to and because I want to. This may turn out very lengthy, so I might bore you guys. Don’t say I didn’t warn you eh? :)

The truth is, we didn’t plan for this pregnancy to happen. I was still on pills and Adreena was still breastfed. I was also on my mission to lose weight with the help of PB, and in fact lost 4kgs in January. In February though, I wondered why I didn’t lose any more weight. I thought I did everything right, I wore PB 8 hours a day and everyday, I ate right, ok I didn’t exercise la kan.. but I thought I should at least lose some weight anyway. Then I started to wonder when I couldn’t stand Shahril’s perfume, I was exhausted almost all the time and was hungry all the time too. So out of curiosity, I went and bought the pregnancy test kit.

I have to admit I was really shock to find out I was indeed pregnant. I did the self test early Monday morning (21st Feb). When I showed the test kit to Shahril who was still sleeping, he asked…

Him: So maksudnya apa?

:P You’d think after 3 kids he would know eh? Hehe

Me: Maksudnya.. I AM lah!

Him: Haaaaa….. BAGUS lah!!!

I sat there termenung, mixed feelings. Of course la bersyukur, at the same time takut, feeling a little guilty too as Adreena’s only 15 months old. Mcm2 lah.

 

Went to see our gynae the next day. Did ultrasound but he said he can only determine the due date in the next checkup. I thought nothing of it.

 

Took me a few days to absorb the news but once the shock is over, needless to say I was a very happy lady. After all, I always say I enjoy being pregnant. I do. Maybe because my pregnancies were relatively easy. No muntah2, just mild nausea. Paling teruk pun, prolonged batuk aje.

 

I did feel a little different this time around though. No demam, and no batuk2 – my usual pregnancy symptoms. Instead, kena allergy pulak. But I thought, maybe I’m getting old.. so symptoms are different.

When we broke the news to the kids… Afiq was happy and cool – definitely macam Ayah.

Afiq: Mama.. kena baby boy tau? Baru la Abang ada kawan!

Mama: Hmmm.. Nanti kita doa sama2 k? Tapi.. kalau baby girl pun, takpela. Abg jadi special la, sebab abang soranggggg je anak Mama yang boy.

Afiq: Special? Hmmm…. *pause*….. Tapi Mama, kalau tak special sangat pun takpe lah. Lagi best kalau Abang ada adik boy.

Mama: Hmmm ok, ok… Nanti kita doa sama2 ye?

 

Mariessa on the other hand, was confused…

Mariessa: Baby? Adik? Kenapa kena ada adik lagi? Adreena kan dah ada?

Hehehe

 

So.. our checkup was scheduled on Saturday, 19th March – that is tomorrow. But on Wednesday I noticed a brownish discharge. Went to see our normal GP who told me to observe my condition first and if it worsen to consult my gynae. He did mention the word abortion somewhere, somehow, but I chose to ignore it.

I went to work as usual yesterday. But at 10, I discovered I was bleeding. No more brownish discharge. Excused myself from work, and shakily drove to Shahril’s office. Went to KPMC.

When I entered the gynae’s room, there were also 2 ladies inside. I figured they were also doctors and were observing / learning from my gynae. One of them looked very familiar though.

Anyway, I told my gynae of my bleeding and he asked me to lie down for ultrasound. Kerut2 dahi sikit… tekan2… then he sighed. He looked at me and said..

Dr J: Hmmm… tak menjadi lah. The size (of the fetus) pun smaller than it was 3 weeks ago. Maybe that’s why it was not clear last time too.

 

My tears started to flow.

Dr A (the one who looked familiar): It’s OK dear. This is actually quite common. 1 in 6 women have to go through this. Don’t be so sad, ok? InsyaAllah, mungkin rezeki lain kali.

 

Then we discussed the options. I was crying shamelessly and I didn’t really care even if the whole world was watching.

While waiting for our turn at the pharmacy, all the doctors came out from the room (it was lunch break). Dr A came out and sat nearby. I decided to to approach her.

Me: Excuse me Dr. You look very familiar. Do you happen to be an ex-TKCian?

Dr. A: I am!

She happens to be my senior at school. She was in Form 5 when I was in Form 1. Of course she didn’t remember la kan? :)

Talking to her was probably the best thing that happened yesterday. Being a gynae and having go through miscarriage a few times herself, I found peace and strength just talking to her. I am so thankful Allah sent her my way. Truly He works in mysterious ways.

Before we parted ways, Dr A asked for my phone number (it should have been the other way round, it didn’t occur to me, duh!), and told me to call her anytime if I needed anything. You’re an angel, Dr A. You are.

I texted her last night, thanking her for her kind words. She smsed back ensuring me I can call her anytime.

I texted her again early this morning, as I wasn’t sure whether I should head to KPMC due to my heavy bleeding.

She called a few hours later apologizing profusely for not replying my sms immediately as her phone was off therefore she had just received my sms. I cannot describe how thankful I am for her, her call meant a lot. Thank you again, Dr. A!

Anyway… after the hospital yesterday, we went home. My eyes were bengkak and kids were really concerned.

Told Afiq & Mariessa that baby is not coming to us this time around. They don’t really understand it I guess. At least that’s what I thought.

A few hours after I came home, I poured my heart out to my sister via the phone. Mariessa was sleeping beside me. After I hang up, I realized that Mariessa wasn’t actually sleeping. She was just lying there, termenung.

After a moment of silence, she came to me, threw herself at me, cried her heart out and said… “Mama…. baby dah takde”

Oh my god, how my heart broke. Never in my conversation had I mentioned that, so it was really her own conclusion. We hugged for a long, long time and we both cried. God bless her beautiful soul, this angel of mine.

Today I am constantly asked by the kids whether I’m OK.. whether I need anything, whether I want to lie down instead of sitting down, whether I need a glass of water… etc. I am lucky. I know.

 

So, if everything goes as planned, I’ll be checking myself in at KPMC at 8am tomorrow morning. Puasa in the morning, D&C at 2 pm and maybe at 6pm I’'ll be allowed to go home. I would appreciate if you could send a little prayer my way tomorrow as I am really scared. Thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

 

When something like this happens, I guess it’s inevitable to blame oneself. Was it my hesitation upon finding out? Did my baby ‘merajuk’ that instead of jumping with joy, I sat down staring into space thinking of the pregnancy? Did I eat something wrong? Did I ‘rough’ it out? What did I do? Or maybe it’s something I didn’t do?

 

When I was pregnant with Afiq, I did wonder whether I’ll be a good mom. I didn’t even like kids to begin with, honestly. Will I be able to love my son as much as I love my husband? Can love really be multiplied that way, or does it have to be divided? But the moment I laid eyes on Afiq.. I knew I didn’t have to choose. I love my 2 boys just as much! But when I was carrying Mariessa, I wondered the same. Can I give her as much love? It’s easy to love one husband and one child. But another child? Of course, I was proven wrong again, as Mariessa brought so much joy and I found myself loving and be loved by 3 wonderful wonderful souls. So when Adreena came into our lives… I have no doubt that we will all love her with all our hearts, and what an angel my lucky no 3 is.

It’s a mother’s nature I assume, that when we find out we’re pregnant, we are automatically ready to guard our babies with our own lives. I won’t have it any other way.

We are blessed to know you for a month, baby love. Even in that very short period of time, you’ve brought us so much happiness. I’ve always looked forward to spend time with you in the car on my way to work and back, I love singing Maher Zain’s songs to you when we’re stuck in traffic and I’m sorry you’ve had to bear with me complaining about the traffic. Please know that I love you so, so much and you’ll be in my heart.. forever.